Even When It’s Hard

This is my current Facebook status:

We got a call about two toddler boys last Wednesday and our family was chosen for them that same day. After almost a week of praying, loving them, and being excited/terrified, we met them last night and decided that we are unable to bring them home. They are good boys, but need more than we can give them, given our circumstances. Due to some physical/emotional safety concerns for Jonah, we had to say no. We had been praying for clarity and God gave it to us, just not in the way we anticipated. I am heartbroken and confused. God is good and I know His plan is best, but the refining hurts so much. Will you please pray for these boys? That they go to parents who can love them, give them the structure they need, and most of all, show them Jesus? I love them and it’s hard to let go. READ MORE

Playing Cars with Jesus

After we finished prayers, we were just lying there talking, and started talking about God and Jesus and Gabe living up in Heaven.

Jonah: I want Gabe to come to my house.

Me: I know, Buddy, but Gabe can’t. He lives up in Heaven with God and Jesus. And you know what? Someday we will go live up there too, with them.

Jonah: And God will play cars with me?

Me: I bet He would! Do you think that would be fun?

Jonah: Yeah!

Me: What cars do you think God would like to play with?

Jonah: (kind of starry voiced) Ohhhh, He play with Pretty Car (his Prius) and Recycling Truck and Grampa’s Car (a little red car we have).

Me: Wow, Jonah! Those are some of your favorites. You would let God play with those?

Jonah: Sure He can!

Me: And what car is your favorite?

Jonah: Green Van!

Me: Do you think you would let Jesus play with your Green Van?

Jonah: How ’bout Jonah play with it first?

Me: Sure. I bet Jesus would be happy for you to play with it first, but then maybe He could take a turn?

Jonah: Sure!

I don’t know what it was, exactly, about the conversation that touched me… READ MORE

Deep Thoughts

I have felt under attack the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure what it is or what exactly has happened. I’m craving the Word like never before, excited about what God shows me every day when I spend time with him, being changed by Beth Moore’s “Believing God” study, desiring Godly, mature Christian women’s guidance in my life…

But shwoo. I have been involved in more drama in the last few weeks than I have since middle school. Some of it my fault. Some of it not. And for the most part, my intentions have been good. And then somehow something gets said or something gets taken out of context or turned around, and all of a sudden, I’m feeling attacked or misjudged and act like a hot head, spouting off and making things not-at-all-Jesusy.

I’m not sure how it keeps happening.

Learning humility stinks. I guess that’s a lesson no one can learn the easy way. Just the nature of humility I guess. Maybe the only way to learn it is to mess up, fall down, and seek Him to make it all better. Honestly, I’m just trying to love Jesus. That’s all I want to do in the whole world. READ MORE

Gabe

Dear Gabe,

Today would have been your fourth birthday. As I was lying in bed with Jonah last night, after prayers and singing time, I was telling him that you were celebrating four years up in Heaven. How has it been that long Sweet Boy?

The past several months, I haven’t been missing you quite as much. Time helps heal, I guess… READ MORE

preg with gabe

Shwoo.

This morning, our sermon was on living faithfully, especially during times of trial, praying and trusting in God’s power to do the unbelievable, and living in the hope that comes from that. A reminder that if our faith is in Jesus, we can look beyond circumstances and trials, and live in hope anyway, even when it seems impossible… READ MORE

The Proposal

Matt and I are reading through the Bible this year, and have just finished reading Radical. And although the Church does many good things (and I’m in no way speaking against any congregation or church specifically, just more the American Church as a whole), we miss the point. A lot. When I read that the first Christians sold all they had and gave to each other as each had need, and I hear Jesus say not to store up earthly treasures, and I read that I’m commanded (commanded, not called) to sacrifice everything to live and love like Jesus and to help those in need, I wonder how we got here. How we got to this place of planning beach retirements, huge life insurance policies, cushy retirement accounts, working like dogs to one day be able to do whatever WE want (or nothing at all), and to live for ourselves. All of this while people starve in the streets, thousands don’t have the medical care they need (even in our own country), millions of people live on less than $2 a day etc. There are so many needs. READ MORE

Decision

Last June I wrote this post on adoption (And then I chickened out and swore that Jonah would be our only child forever and ever AMEN.) In January I vowed to read the entire Bible for the first time in my life within the coming year (I know. Crazy concept for a 20 year Christian huh? I’m not proud of it.). In late January, Matt and I began reading the book Radical by David Platt with our respective Bible/book study groups. Forty days ago I wrote this post about what the Holy Spirit has been doing in our lives and some big decisions that we’ve been praying about. 

And we’ve come to a decision… READ MORE

Here We Go Again

Shwoo. The Holy Spirit is turning me upside down these days. I have so much rolling around in my head, and very little that I can actually put words to. Between reading the gospels and reading Radical (and I’m only in chapter 4!), God is doing quite a work in my heart. I love it when He does that, but I also find it incredibly uncomfortable. I was joking (sort of) with my friend, Meredith, the other day, and told her that, for me, at this moment in my life, the Holy Spirit isn’t so much the Comforter as the DIS-Comforter. 🙂 READ MORE